Our departure from Texas at the end of August was nothing like we expected. Julie became ill just hours before we were scheduled to end our time at Holy Comforter and head back home to Kansas. We didn’t know what was going on and since it was her illness, it is not appropriate for me to go too much into it. Suffice it to say that she had a bacterial infection that became systemic and we are very fortunate that we got home and immediately got medical care. She is much better now but it seemed rather apropos that we faced what could have been a tragedy on our last day in Texas.
There is much to say about our time in Spring but I’ll leave that for another time. I feel blessed that I was able to reenter full-time ministry for a year and felt like I was able to do everything that I wanted to do, especially making amends for some of the things that I had fallen into during my tenure in Katy. I preached boldly, clearly and held up God’s love for the marginalized and rejected in ways that I had not done in my previous tenure. I accepted the call to the church in Spring for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was to speak out of a place that my own deconstruction of faith had opened to me. It was meet, right and a good thing to call for a love for all, especially those on the margins, and especially for our LGBTQ+ siblings. I know I can’t undo the damage of what I created in my rather narrow, and dare I say bigoted, view of God’s love that had slowly crept into my preaching and theology in Katy. Indeed, that was the first to go as I found myself in what many have gone through: a deep and unsettling time of deconstruction. It was not always that way for me and my good friend and fellow-priest Mike Adams said on many occasions, “it’s good to have the old Darrel back.”
Actually it wasn’t the old Darrel because I didn’t have the theological bona fides to be able to understand where I was, what I believed and why I believed the way that I did. I now do.
An interesting thing happened on the journey of the past year. I wasn’t prepared for a chance encounter with the delegates from Holy Apostles at Diocesan Council. When I saw where they were sitting, I made a point to grab a moment and give my greetings. What I found nearly knocked the wind out of me. As I stretched out my hand to greet the delegation, the look I received was more than just “we’re not all that happy to see you.” Instead I saw anger in the eyes that looked into my own. I was taken aback. Surprised isn’t the word but I was amazed that I wasn’t welcomed like an old friend. I had given so much to that place. I had loved them, walked with them, challenged them and while I didn’t expect to be invited to preach on some Sunday I might have available, I was caught totally unprepared to meet such antipathy.
Later in the year, almost at the end of my time in Spring, I finally understood the anger. It seems that some had paid attention to my blog meanderings or social media posts (not Twitter because I don’t let just anyone follow me there!). A party was held in Katy and a dozen or so people showed up to greet me. During that party I was asked by a leader of the church there if I had “lied about who I was when I served as Rector.” What?!? It took me a minute or two to understand why anyone might think that. Then I got it.
Over the last couple of years, like in most things my deconstruction was fairly public. I don’t do a lot of things quietly and I shared here and elsewhere what I was going through. As I emerged from my experience of the “dark night of the soul,” I came face to face with the many mistakes I had made. I knew God loves but I had created a wall around that love, only allowing some to pass through. I faced this honestly and thoughtfully. As I began to see where I was spiritually, emotionally and vocationally, I made a decision to proclaim in word and deed God’s love. I suspect that some in Katy thought I had been deceitful (what I would have gotten from that eludes me) and dishonest about my theology. Honestly I wanted to scream “don’t you know I had to bury my son. Don’t you think that would have changed me?” But I didn’t. There is nothing good that could come from that but I did pay attention to what was going on inside of me.
I am not sure I had emotionally left Holy Apostles until this past year. I now have. Completely. When I think back about my time in Houston, it will be my time at Holy Comforter that will bring me a sense of God’s pleasure. Don’t get me wrong, those years at the church in Katy mean a lot to me. Many of those people are still friends but I truly was able to do what I felt called to do in Spring. God gifted me with a mulligan. I gratefully accepted it.
There really isn’t much purpose in going further into this although it does make some good fodder for unpacking in my writing. I am grateful for the time I had in both Katy and Spring and the God that saw me through both, remains steadfastly in my life/heart/ministry. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring but I am sure I will live it out loud, like I do most other things.
Blessings to you and until next time, I remain
Darrel Proffitt