An Accidental Blessing

Looking from the outside in, one might suspect that being an Episcopal Priest is a pretty good gig. Almost thirty years ago I thought that my life as an ordained minister would be all about presiding at the Eucharist, baptizing a bunch of babies, doing a handful of marriages and funerals and being invited to the Country Club by those in the parish who had the means to celebrate many occasions at the 19th hole restaurant, or whatever it would be called.

As I look back at those years, there was very little that happened that fit into those expectations. Instead, the parish (wherever it was, names changed but the dynamics remained the same) had many nice people who, if they could afford, did invite me to the Country Club. That happened over the course of the thirty years, about a dozen times. Oh there were baptisms, weddings and funerals but my calendar and inbox was full of other invitations and events. If you are not in that position, chances are you are not aware that there are many people in the church that are simply mean, self-centered and demanding. I suppose I have seen just about every possibility that can emerge around a complaint. I have deleted all those emails but I can recreate them without much effort. “Father, we need to talk about….” Early in my ministry it was usually at the end of a phone call and later after the internet expanded people’s ability to contact the parish priest about this or that problem, email was the preferred mode of communication. Some of those emails could have been called “essays” or short stories and a couple could have been easily expanded to become a sort of “novella.” What many shared in common was that the author of the email had a “serious” issue about something.

Usually these complaints were minor but not in the mind of the complainer. God forbid if a liturgical innovation had been introduced or yeast was discovered in the communion bread or the music chosen was either too difficult for the congregation or too theologically dense or when sung, the music team was just too loud. Or sometimes the complainant was angry that she had not known that an event had been scheduled and oh, by the way, this church does not do well with communication. This was despite the fact that the aformentioned event had been announced on several Sundays, had been sent out via email and published in both the bulletin and the newsletter. I guess each individual needed to be contacted to insure the communication had been successful.

I once had a member of the church email the staff everytime an error was made in the bulletin or online. Important stuff here. Jesus may not come again until we eliminate every typo wherever it’s found. Sometimes I received the complaint but it was not unusual for the entire staff to hear the news that we, once again, threatened the kingdom because of a spelling error.

Throughout the years, we tried everything to insure that the parish felt heard. As I look back on that, it was a mistake to try to eliminate the low level noise that seemed to predominate at every parish I served, no matter the size. As someone once said, the issue is never the issue. When one finally figures that out, a lot of energy can be transferred from the complainer to actually doing the work of ministry. Even now, a couple of years after I waved goodbye to active parish ministry, I know how life-giving real ministry can be. Preparing sermons, leading liturgy, writing Adult study curriculums, visiting people in the hospital and walking with people in their grief, their challenges, their triumphs is a big part in kingdom-building. Yet because of the energy that is demanded by the few, addressing issues that can never be solved, the real work of ministry is usually done with whatever energy is left after trying to put out little brush fires caused by complainers.

This leads me to reflect on what it must be like now for those in ordained parish work. Recently I read a tweet from someone that asked those who were not in parish ministry to pray for those who were. This person made it clear that ministry during the “Age of Covid” has only gotten more sidetracked. I can only imagine. Indeed when I read the tweet, I immediately knew who had been actively emailing the staff. I saw his face. I knew his complaints and I truly wished I could let the staff know that any energy spent on trying to solve the issue (God only knows what this person was complaining about and I prefer God would keep it to God’s self). The time spent dealing with the complainant is not worth it. Thank him for his email and go forth from there to do the ministry among those who so desperately need it.

It has been a blessing that I have been retired for a couple of years. When churches began to close during quarantines around the country, I knew what was coming. There is not a lot I can do to help those I once served other to pray for them. That is not insignificant. But I also know that many, many people serving parishes at the local level are struggling. My only suggestion is to find a way to simply let it go. It is not worth it. The energy spent is wasted. The complainers, well they are going to go right on complaining. Find someone you trust to talk to about it. Make sure that you are not ignoring something significant but know that chances are, whatever the complaint is, it cannot be fixed and only serves to distract you from the real work of ministry.

I feel blessed that I am now on the outside looking in. Although I feel compelled to help those who are probably barely hanging on. If that’s you, reach out to me. If nothing else, I can be an ear to listen and a ready “socially-distanced” hug to share. Kingdom work is exhilarating. Why waste time on the chronic complainers. Who knows maybe they will just mute themselves on Zoom and look for other places to muddy the waters.