Back in the Saddle Again

I had the great privilege of preaching this past Sunday. I was excited because preaching is one of my gifts. It is when I exercise my gifts that I feel most alive. Gifts are not natural talents but that which God has given each of us when we acknowledge God’s presence with us and begin the journey of relinquishing control of our lives to God’s purpose.

I say that preaching is one of my gifts not because it is easy. I have always, as long as I can remember, had a fear of public speaking. Ultimately I believe that comes from having had a pretty serious speech defect as a child. Once a week, I visited the speech therapist employed by the school district. Eventually I overcame my struggles with articulating certain sounds but the entire process, from being told I had an issue that would not go away to being bullied by my classmates when they learned I had to attend “special” classes, made an impression on me that has never left. So when I get up in front of a crowd, large or small, I have a little twinge of fear. I have learned a few coping mechanisms (I never understood how imagining the crowd naked would actually help someone speak!) that I use that have been helpful. Speaking without notes is actually one of the ways I cope because that forces me to trust that God will see me through.

Over the years I have been surprised to hear feedback following my public speaking. I don’t mean that I have been universally hailed as the best speaker anyone has ever heard, but I have had very positive feedback. My style is passionate and vulnerable as I seek to be as transparent as I can. The thin line I have walked on is keeping the focus on God, not me. That was really a challenge after my son, Joseph died and I was still preaching every week. In fact, one person anonymously called me “narcissistic” because I continued to make reference about his death and my grieving. I didn’t take that too seriously because I believe that had more to do with the person who said it than how I was attempting to teach the congregation about grief.

Since my sabbatical began I no longer preach every week. While I do not believe that I will ever preach that regularly again, I do plan on continuing to preach. After all, God didn’t give me this gift to sit on it. I was invited to preach at the Church we are attending and this past weekend I did. It was a great honor to do so.

I was quickly reminded how difficult it is to preach to a group of people that I don’t know very well. I also was reminded of my old friend, the fear of standing up and talking in front of people whether I know them or not. I was also, a few days later, reminded of how difficult it is to communicate, since it involves more than me the speaker, but also the crowd, the hearers.

My topic was “peace,” which is the second theme of Advent. I spoke of how I have experienced peace in the midst of grief and have never blamed God for the loss of my son. I spoke of how, when I first encountered my dying son, I felt like praying “God look what I have done for the Kingdom, the way I have served the Church, why can’t I cash in those chips so that my son will recover.” But I didn’t. My point is that peace can be found even in the depths of despair and grief. I have found that. Peace, I said, isn’t the absence of conflict (or grief) but the presence of a real God who really grieves with us (or stands with us in the midst of conflict). It is the hope of the second Advent when we will find that all things will be made right, that gives us strength to face all that life hands us.

Not everyone heard what I said. Evidently at least one person heard that I was mad at God. Nothing could be further than the truth. God has never left me and I have entrusted my son into God’s loving hands. Even so, I celebrate the reminder that everything that comes out of our mouths is not necessarily heard as we might expect. So where does that leave us?

It leaves us with a truth: nothing is more important than relationships. That’s why preaching to a group of people that I don’t know is so challenging. So, how will I respond? How would you? I will work at having deeper relationships with people so that my story may be encouraging, truthful and God-honoring. Like all relationships, that will take time. But it will be worth it.

It was good to be back in the saddle again. Not every ride is smooth and easy. Sometimes it’s a challenge and can even be a bit dangerous! But it’s always exhilarating.

Until next time,

DP