Moving from Disappointment and Disillusionment to Determination

I wrote sometime ago that I would reflect on the lessons of serving as a Rector (Lead Pastor) for over 25 years. I felt motivated to do this around the anniversary of my sabbatical and subsequent retirement. I did not deliver on that promise. I have sat in my reading chair for night after night reading and thinking but not writing. It was not that I was afraid to share those reflections. Instead I felt rather agnostic about it. What was my motivation? Was it to get “even” with those with whom I still felt had let me down? What is it to justify any decisions I did or did not make when I served as Rector? Maybe secretly I wanted to make myself a “victim” about issues that I felt still remained? No. I was not going to spend the emotional and spiritual energy to do that. I could not find a reason to go there.

But let me be clear. It was time for me to go.

In my opinion, leading a congregation has very little to do with management and tasks and more to do with emotional and spiritual leadership. Often the expectations of a congregation are that a priest will be an expert in leadership, management, an extraordinary preacher and teacher, and a stunning pastoral counselor who makes magical trips to visit people in the hospital. The great-untold truth is that no one possesses all those gifts. Someone may be a great manager and keep the Vestry focused and inspired but is an awful preacher and teacher. But a greater truth is that the most important role that a pastor/priest has is to mediate the grace of God by being transparent and authentic so that others can see God at work in the life and heart of the priest. That is tough work. All else is child’s work compared to that. And that is why I had to leave.

Before Joseph died, Julie and I stood at the foot of the bed in the hospital and prayed. I anointed him and with the Book of Common Prayer in my hand, I asked God to heal him and allow Joseph to continue his journey here. After all, children do not die before their parents. It is not the way things are supposed to work.

As the clock on his wall kept staring at me, mocking me as if to say time is running out I began to wonder if God would answer my prayer? Surely God would, look at all I had done to extend the kingdom, I reminded God. I had given up so much. Indeed even Joseph had given up so much as we moved from Church to Church, city to city, from friends to new friends over the years. Couldn’t God see that? I have known many people who have lived lives of selfishness and have hurt many people over the years and their children did not die. Surely God would make note of that. My prayers had to be answered.

They were not. At least not in the way I wanted. Joseph died shortly after we allowed the medication that had been coursing through his veins, keeping him alive, to be stopped. Now we had to go home. We had funeral and memorial services to plan. I had to go back to the Church where I had be a pastor/priest again and do the emotional and spiritual work in as transparently a way as I could. I had no idea how I would do this but maybe this time God would tell me. I would know the way. He would come through.

Many of my sermons preached after those days centered on Joseph. But even the mention of his name would bring me to tears. Most people understood and were caring but not all were. But what made it worse was, even though I preached over and over how I was not mad at God, God seemed absent from me. At times I felt amazement but I just didn’t feel God. I knew deeply to lean on God but it felt like an imaginary strength based more on hope than reality. I found myself becoming disappointed in God. Or maybe disappointed in myself. Either I wasn’t doing something right, or God no longer wanted me to continue. The harder I tried the more disillusioned I became. Maybe it was my “Dark Night of the Soul,” but I was not up to challenge. It became clear that it was over for me.

Now that I have some distance between those times and now, I still cannot say that I “feel God” in and around me. I know God is there but God seems to stand afar from me. I still can say that I am not mad at God but I have stopped wondering if I am doing something wrong. God never answers Job until the 38th chapter. I seem to be several chapters from God speaking. So I wait. I have stopped demanding that I hear something and am learning to stand in the tension of unanswered questions.

I have come to realize that God has a purpose for me and that the suffering I went through was not to simply see if I would survive. While being a pastor/priest serving at the local church is holy work, I know that there is something else I am called to do. What is that you might ask? I do not know. My task is to seek it. There’s something more. God is no respecter of selfishness so I have no expectations that God is going to return to me all that I have lost. It simply is not about me. There is a way that God can be glorified through my suffering. That is what I desire. Maybe God will remain silent and if that is my journey, I embrace it.

Perhaps my greatest learning during the last year has been to let go of the regrets, disappointments and disillusionment. It takes too much of my time to keep looking over my shoulder back to something that will never be again. God continues to be God no matter how I feel. It took me a long time to come to an understanding that following Jesus is not about finding an easy path or life fulfillment. The abundant life may be more about holding on through it all and keeping my eyes and life focused on God.

Until next time,

Darrel+

9 Replies to “Moving from Disappointment and Disillusionment to Determination”

  1. To me, and this is just my and many people I know, o-pin-ion…(isn’t it great getting opinions! 😀)… To me, your greatest gift has been making the Word of God come ALIVE. No matter what was happening around you, you could still take God’s word (through liturgy sermons before crowds – to humble bible studies) you could take His word, bring It to life, and show us how to apply it in our lives. No one ever left your sermons “empty”. We left full, with hope and rejuvenation of the spirit. Maybe one answer is… Forget about writing “specifically”, and write a book like your sermons. Each hour you may have a different “thought” you want to talk about…your precious son, being a pastor, specific difficult instances…..

  2. Darrel I did not know about your son until now. I am so very sorry! I can’t even imagine the pain you are going through. I think everyone has times in their lives when they do not “feel” God. It’s like our prayers go no higher than the ceiling. How Job made it through amazes and humbles me. Right now our Sunday School class is studying the Book of Job. As I pray I ask God to help me learn what He wants me to learn from Job’s experiences……including the callousness of Job’s friends. The one thing that stands out above all else is Job NEVER lost his FAITH in God. Job did not understand, but he believed God and maintained his faith. I believe you are doing the same. God will show you the way and the purpose he has for your life. Love and Prayers to a very special person…….Viola Kauth

    1. Thank you Viola. Your words are very kind. I do know that God is with us whether or not we feel God. Blessings!

    2. Thank you Viola. I’m not sure how much you know how significant you are in developing a faith that sustains me. All my love.

  3. Brother,
    I identify with everything you said. While I did not have the added burden of leading a flock like you did, I have experienced the same following our tragedies.

    Sometimes I wonder if my pre-tragedy God was real. It’s as if “that” God can’t be reached anymore, or only on occasion. Is it a problem of having had a wrong theology? Not understanding how pain and suffering fits into God plan? That doesn’t seem logical. If it is just a problem of theology, why did CS Lewis write these words after the death of his wife?

    “When you are happy . . . you will be — or so it feels— welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is
    desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and
    double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”

    Only after her death, did we learned Mother Teresa lived in a spiritual desert. Something changes when we encounter the horrors of tragedy for ourselves. We know God does not change. So, it must be us. Like a child who always knew his father was an evil man but wasn’t affected by it until he experienced it for himself. Only then does it affect their relationship. We understood in our minds that God allows unspeakable things to happen but how do we connect with a God who allowed it to happen to us. While our minds (theology) are ok with it, our soul struggles.

    It seems that those of us who have experienced tragedies personally are forced to connect with God in a real way. Our God cannot just be a loving father who protects his children. We are forced to connect with the God of this universe from a more vulnerable place. As we say God is all loving, our spirits scream “not so fast.”

    We want it to all have meaning in God’s plan, but we wait and don’t see God act. We search for wisdom and find none. It can all seems so meaningless. Yet, our experience is not that unique to the people of the bible. John the Baptist was on top of the spiritual world but later found himself in prison, doubting who Jesus was before having his head chopped off. Jesus’ mother received one of the best revelations in all eternity only to find herself questioning her son’s life and then watching him die on a cross. Those who are martyred for their faith are given honor in the Bible and it is believed all the disciples, but John, died a martyr’s death. Yet, it happened without fan fair or even an historical record of the accounts. It seems that God gives us a glimpse into his plan only to leave us to wonder about the details.

    I agree with you. Bible characters that are noted as being great men of faith have one thing in common. They never stopped believing in God. They didn’t understand, or agree with or like their circumstances, but they never stopped believing. They argued, questioned and thought God had them confused with someone else but they always believed. Understanding was not a prerequisite to having a relationship with God.

    May God find us believing in our questioning. May God find us faithful. Sometimes I feel God answering all my questions with, “just love me.”

    1. My dear friend, I resonate deeply with your comments. Please let me pray this with you “May God find us believing in our questioning. May God find us faithful. Sometimes I feel God answering all my questions with, ‘just love me.’”

      Your words are salve to my soul.

  4. Great entry. My heart breaks for you… the journey you are on. I had a lot of the same thoughts and reactions after Evan’s first trip to rehab. It took about a year for my anger and disappointment in “what was” to subside and to reconcile the feeling that somehow all my “goodness and faithfulness” wasn’t enough to what God was calling me into. It’s been a journey into a deeper, more solid faith. Prayers and good thoughts your way.

    Thanks for sharing -xoxo

    1. Thank you Donna. In a weird, indirect way our journeys have a similar feel. My love to you and yours.

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